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LeBron James and His Mommie Dearest—Miami Heat or Miami Vice?

LeBron may be the luckiest son in the world!

His mother always takes the fall and takes off the playoff game pressure. She makes her son look like an angel by comparison.

Yes, Gloria James is at it again.  Only Zerelda, the mother of Jesse James, was as problematic as Gloria is for her son.

According to the ever-reliable, this time in her own pernicious style, Gloria slapped a parking lot attendant who didn’t realize he was dealing with the Queen Mother to King James.

The intoxicated Mother of the King has been charged with disorderly conduct.

Poor LeBron.

Alas, like mother like son, LeBron grew testy during a recent Celtics vs. Heat game and threw a ball at Jermaine O’Neal. No alcohol was detected on LeBron’s breath.  In LeBron’s defense, everyone wants to throw a ball at Jermaine nowadays.

Biblical allusions aside, there hasn’t been a mother this dubious since Salome’s mother insisted on how her daughter should be paid for her salsa dancing. 

If you recall, Herodias asked for the head John the Baptist on a platter. Gloria once called for Paul Pierce’s head on a silver platter for bumping with her son.

Only Alexander the Great had a more demanding mother. Olympias played with snakes and demanded all kinds of attention from her son. Alexander accused his mother of charging high rent for nine months’ residency.

Hamlet’s mother, Gertrude, accessory after the fact, married her son’s uncle not two month’s after Hamlet’s father was murdered by Uncle Claudius. On the other hand, Gloria did in her son’s playoff hopes with several cavalier gentlemen.

Having taken the act to South Beach has made Gloria more likely to be tempted than temptress. Lake Erie never presented quite as many chances for venal sin.

We should be grateful she has remained out of the limelight for almost the entire season.

The only modern mother on a par with Gloria James may be the original Mommie Dearest, Joan Crawford. We can indeed see Gloria throwing a fit over wire hangers and bopping someone at the local 24-hour dry cleaners.

Poor, poor LeBron.

If Cruella de Ville were a mother, she’d be Gloria James.

We wonder if Gloria wants LeBron to provide a gift on Mother’s Day of a coat made out of Dalmatian puppies.

Poor, poor, poor LeBron.

TAGS: Humor, , , , Sports & Society